


Broken Memories

by Ricky4479



Series: Joker x Male Reader [1]
Category: Batman (Movies - Nolan)
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Torture, Joker being soft, Joker loves cats, M/M, Memory Loss, Romance, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-05-16 12:14:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19317967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ricky4479/pseuds/Ricky4479
Summary: About two months ago you woke up in an apartment with no memory of whatsoever. When you looked around the apartment, you found a letter which explained where you were, what year it was, everything you had to know. For example that your apartment was bought, that you had a spot in college and that there was a bank account waiting for you under a certain name you could always change. But when you came home one evening, there wasn't just your cat waiting for you, but also a rather well known Clown who had already sparked your interest.





	Broken Memories

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is my first english fanfiction, I'm from Germany, so excuse my horrific english. I really tried my best with this and hope you'll like it!  
> Also, thanks to my buddy Vincent for listening to all my rands :D

“I'm home!” you said into an empty apartment. Well, almost empty, since your only roommate is a fat cat who had been given the name Mark. You liked him, you're still questioning if he likes you, but after all he is the only living creature that knows who you really are.  
2 months ago you woke up with no memory of whatever happened, who you are, where-  
  
What was that? It sounded like someone opened the window. You turned around and what you saw shocked you.  
Green, greasy hair, sweaty clown make-up and a blood soaken purple suit.  
The Joker.  
He breathed heavily and pressed his left hand against his stomach, in his other was a handgun. You must have looked quite shocked as the man in front of you chuckled slightly. Looking down at Jokers hand pressing against his stomach, you realized something. That blood on his suit, it's his.  
“Act fast” you thought.  
“Come” it was nothing more than a whisper, but Joker understood nonetheless.  
He followed you into your kitchen as you searched for the aid-kit you always kept in one of the cupboards.  
But which cupboard was it? You opened a few, but in none of them was the aid-kit. Where did you put it? How can you lose-  
Ah, there it is. It's in the cupboard on the far right. Just try to remember that.  
Remember. Yeah...  
You tossed that thought to the side, grabbed the kit and quickly turned around. Joker already sat down, hand still pressed against that open wound which you now believed to be a shot wound. You were pretty sure about it actually.  
But the way the Joker sat there seemed so threatening yet fascinating at the same time. He seemed cramped on the chair, leaning far into it, legs spread apart wide, one hand pressed onto his stomach while the other rest on the table besides him, gun in his hand and of course the finger always on the trigger. His expression looked dark and dusty but somehow soft and even kind of sad if not depressed at the same time.  
You took a slow step towards Joker who just stared at you.  
It felt like hours where both of you stared at each other before Joker started to move. He took of his jacket, letting it drop to the floor with a loud thud. Wow, it has to be pretty heavy. You kept staring at Joker who started to open his bottom-up. He took of his neck tie and tossed it across the room, it landed somewhere between the toaster and the fridge. His shirt was completely soaken in blood and when he took it off you saw that whatever had hit him, it wasn't a bullet.  
You slowly fell to your knees and took a closer look at the wound. It was clean, no dirt or anything like that. The look you gave Joker said everything that had to be said.  
What happened? But Joker just grinned. He pointed at his jacket, at the pocket to be exact. Then he took one finger of each hand and put them to his head. Bat ears. Batman. You understood.  
Even though you didn't know why, but you knew how to care for wounds like this. It wasn't long until Joker was completely patched up and looked to be in a better mood also. He giggled while standing up and it reminded you somehow of a little boy after he planned a prank on someone. It was kind of... cute? As you packed away the stuff you used you had some time to take a good look at Jokers exposed chest. He was pale. Not “normal” pale, but sickly pale, probably due to his enormous blood loss. And his chest was riddled with scars. There were so many cuts and bruises everywhere and it seemed like some even were self inflicted. But what worried you the most was the fact that Jokers rips clearly stuck out. He looked like he hasn't eaten for at least three weeks and was starving to death.  
You wanted to say something, but in the same moment Joker stood up and stretched out his back. It made a sickening sound like it would just snap in half and the more you payed attention, the more you realized that Joker smelled horrible. The metallic scent of blood was in the air, mixed with Jokers overall smell of wet street dog. He needed a shower, food, new clothes, a place to sleep, he needed a place to stay where he could be safe. Suddenly you realized that you should still have that extra mattress in your bedroom. Joker could stay-  
Wait. Why are you so willing to help him? He is a sociopath who kills people for fun.  
...Well, yes. He is. But, after you woke up without any memory and you were ready to kill yourself, Joker started his chaos plan. You were fascinated by Joker, fascinated by the person, fascinated by what a person had to go through to become like this. You started to gain some kind of obsession over him, watched everything there was to watch about him, started to theorize on why he did what he did, where his scars came from, you even started theorizing on his real name. You came up with names like Marvin, Alex or Jonathan, but none seemed to quite fit.  
You looked around. Only seconds had passed and Joker started to put his button up back on so you quickly grabbed his jacked to keep him from leaving. To your surprise you could barely lift it. How much did this weigh?! Joker laughed. To him you probably looked like an angry puppy that didn't want his owner to leave.  
Somehow, it was true, you didn't want him to leave. Why? Because there were maybe a few dozen cops waiting for him. He needed to stay until he recovered. At least until tomorrow. At least until the cops gave up the search.  
“Stay!” you managed to blurt out.  
“Until tomorrow! Until you feel better!” Joker stared at you. Again, it felt like years of silence. And then Joker laughed at you. It wasn't his insane laughter, it was a simple and really amused laugh. For some reason you got furious over this. You tried to help him and he laughed in your face! You wanted to give him a safe place for at least one night and he thought it was funny! He thought it was a joke! It was-...  
Sad. That he thought you were joking when wanting to help him.  
“I'm serious!” you tried to calm down, but Joker kept laughing.  
“I know” God, his voice. It sounded like he looked, broken beyond repair, tired and depressed.  
“But I'm feeling fantastic!” He smiled. Even though you could look beyond that smile. You could see that he was in pain. That he clearly wasn't feeling “fantastic”.  
“Don't lie to me! I'm not a fucking idiot!” You were loud, not loud enough to call it yelling, but loud nonetheless. Jokers expression fell. His gaze was threatening, like whatever you said wasn't in his liking at all.  
“I'll take my jacket and walk out this door. Got me?” His voice was deep, sending shivers down your spine. You were afraid, afraid of not knowing what this crazy man in front of you will do if you don't obey. He could kill you right here and right now and no one would find you for god knows how long.  
You stood completely still, not a single muscle was twitching. Over a hundred thoughts jumped through your head and you suddenly clung to the sweaty, blood soaken jacket in your hands. It didn't seem as heavy as before, maybe it was the adrenaline rushing through every vain. Without any warning the clown tried to grab the jacket and in the same moment you managed to flinch away, bringing just about half an inch distance between the jacket and Jokers hand. Suddenly, you ran. You didn't know why, but you just ran. Through the apartment into the small bedroom, knocking over what you believed to be a vase including the small side table it stood on. And now what? The bedroom was a dead end! You could hide underneath the bed or in the closet, but he would find you either way. So, thoughts again racing through your head, the dying urge to run away still lingering ever so slightly, you accepted what would probably be about to happen.  
Joker took longer than you thought, it felt like years where you just stood inside the door frame until those arms wrapped around you, strong, wet from sweat and blood and warm. Waiting for the stinging pain of a knife being pushed past your rips into your pounding heart, you realized that you shivered. Not strong enough to be noticeable, but fear still paralyzed your body to the point of not being able to do anything except shiver.  
“I like you. You make me laugh” He was so close to your ear, every centimeter of your body was covered in goosebumps in the mere fraction of a second. His dark, raspy chuckle filled the room and you finally gained enough courage to turn around and face the man who has been mocking you since he came into your apartment. Your cheeks heated up at the sensation of Jokers nose brushing yours, his breath on your skin, even though the horrible smell almost made you throw up.  
½ inch. Your faces were ½ inch apart. Now that you stood so close to him, he seemed to tower over you even though you were certain that he wasn't much taller than you. Again struck by fear, you stared into Jokers eyes.  
“Stay”, it was nothing more than a whisper, but you couldn't get more out, “I want to help”  
Jokers grin grew wider.  
“Sure, why not, I already like your place” He laughed, more solid this time. And you didn't know why, but you smiled. His laugh was crazy, but you liked it. “Now can I have my jacket back?”  
“Ehm, yeah, of course”, you stammered. Loosening your grip, Joker took his jacket and stepped back. You immediately missed the sensation of Joker standing so near to you but it was better to get space between you and this insane clown. Who knows what's going on in that head of his. “I'm hungry. How about I'll cook something for us and you could... I don't know, maybe go take a shower? 'Cause I don't think those bloody clothes are really... comfortable?” You tried to be as cautious with your words as possible, which seemed to be unnecessary when Joker started to laugh again.  
“I really like you, but I think I'll keep my clothes on” His grin vanished slightly, as if he was unsure about what to say.  
“And what if I want you to take a shower? You're in my apartment now after all” You thought you sounded confident,

but your voice cracked a little at how nervous you were. Jokers grin just grew again.  
“You. Are. Cute. Do you have Make-Up?” He started to look around the bedroom, as to search for anything he could use.  
“Do I look like it?” His chuckle was dark and with his hands behind his back he leaned down to be on eye level with you.  
“Well, you look like the rainbow kind of guy” That low, raspy voice send shivers down your spine again. You almost couldn't think right with your instincts screaming at you to run from this madman.  
“Did-.. Did you just call me gay?”, you asked sounding uncertain.  
“Flamboyant”, Joker clarified, “What's the time?” He looked around, searching for a clock, but you didn't have any clocks on the walls, the ticking noise driving you insane so at some point you just took them all down and had your phone with you at all times. A quick look on said phone answered Jokers question.  
“08:57, and it's dark outside, so PM” Just now you realized how long Joker was in your apartment already. You came home at around 7PM after staying the entire evening at the library to study. He was in your apartment for almost 2 hours. 2 fucking hours.  
“There's a Sephora in the mall just down the street, you can get some there” He sounded almost bored.  
“I am not buying Make-Up at Sephora for you” You couldn't believe what he just said. You definitely won't walk down the street and buy make-up at the most expensive make-up store you knew just for this crazy nut.  
“Then I'm not taking a shower” There was his grin again. He thought this was funny, he was messing with you. But, the more you thought about it, you really needed him to take a shower.  
10 minutes, it wouldn't take you more than 10 minutes to get down there, get the stuff and come back. Nothing would happen. So... you guessed you didn't have another choice. You inhaled deeply and sighed.  
“Just don't touch anything until I'm back.” Joker just nodded giggling. You couldn't believe you're really going to do this, but now you'll apparently walk down a rat infested street of Gotham to buy some make-up at a Sephora for an insane, wanted, criminal clown.  
What are you going to do with this life? It doesn't matter. Just try and live in the moment, you can't remember more anyways.  
Just... have some fun, maybe.  
You definitely underestimated the time you needed to get the Make-Up. And so, half an hour later than you thought, you opened your apartment door and expected the worse. You didn't know why, but when you heard Joker laugh so carefree, a heavy weight fell from your chest. You locked the front door again, took off your shoes and stepped into the dimly lit living room. What you saw made you smile even though you didn't want to. Joker sat on your worn out leather couch, Mark laid next to him on his back and purred loudly as Joker pet his stomach with the most enthusiasm you have ever seen the clown do anything except maybe beat up or get beaten up by Batman. So Mark liked Joker already, trusted him. Of course he did, he was a cat, he didn't know nor care that Joker was a killing madman.  
“I got your stuff”, you interrupted the silence and put down the Sephora bag, already have taken out the receipt. After all Joker didn't have to know how much it actually was.  
Joker looked at you, his smile was sincere, you haven't seen him so happy in a long time. The last time was probably when he kidnapped GCNs Gotham Tonight host Mike Engel. You never liked that guy anyways. Joker took the bag and looked through the stuff you bought, still a smile on his lips.  
“Perfect! Then I guess I'll take a shower. But no peeking!” Like a small kid he went into the bathroom and left you and Mark alone. Mark looked up at you confused, angry that now no one was petting him anymore, so he just stood up and strolled into the kitchen, probably to keep on eating and trying to get into the cabinets again. The child proof locks you installed a few weeks ago did their job really good, you didn't have to sweep up broken plates when you came home anymore.  
You wanted to follow him into the kitchen to make some food for Joker and you, mostly for him, but when you saw Jokers bloody jacket, you decided that you could try and get the blood stains out of his clothes. Maybe wash them, let them smell a little bit better, but that meant to get the rest of Jokers clothes out of the bathroom and get him something else to wear. You definitely wouldn't let him walk around your apartment naked or just wearing a bathrobe. So you looked through your clothes, you had some things that were too big for you, but at the same time you already had bought them and were too awkward to just give them back and buy smaller ones. The few clothes you found were a plain yellow shirt, a really really ugly thing, you didn't know why you even bought it, gray sweatpants, some underwear you've never worn before and a pair of pink panda socks. The socks had a panda face on the ankle part and even small ears, sadly you just had tiny feet and they didn't fit you. They were still the coolest socks you'll ever have. But know they apparently were Jokers socks. You took all the clothes you picked out, took the bag with the Make-Up and knocked on the bathroom door. To your surprise, Joker almost immediately opened the door. You looked into Jokers face and realized something. His shoulders were bare, his chest too. Expecting the worst, your eyes slowly trailed his body down until your gaze was fixed on his crotch.  
Oh god.  
He was naked.  
Your face heated up so much, it felt like it was on fire. Looking into Jokers eyes again, you pushed the clothes into his arms, trying to get words out but not being able to.  
“I told you no peeking”, he grinned, laughing and putting the clothes into the sink.  
“I-I, ehm, g-give- give me your clothes please. I can- I can try to get- get the bloodstains out and- and wash them”, you stuttered badly, but who wouldn't have after they just saw the Joker naked in their bathroom. Joker laughed louder, he must've thought this was funny, it surely wasn't. He turned around, took his clothes and gave them to you, after which you stormed off, trying to forget what just happened and trying to forget how embarrassed you were. No one ever had to know that this happened. Never.  
  
That bastard took his time, so you did too. His clothes were already in the washing machine and the zucchini boats you're making were in the oven, which meant you just had to finish filling and cooking the beef rolls and make the sauce. The moment you put the first beef roll into the pan, you heard steps coming towards the open kitchen and a giggle. Joker was done showering, good. You didn't look at him, rather wanting to make sure nothing burnt.  
“You like zucchini?”, you asked, hoping he would say yes and you didn't make those boats for nothing.  
“Who doesn't like zucchini?” You heard one of the chairs getting pulled across the floor and Joker sat down next to you, watching you cook like a little kid would with his parents.  
“Half my college course doesn't like zucchini” It was true, at least from what you had heard. You didn't really have any friends, after all you didn't even know who you were and as long as there were still open questions about your past, you just wanted to stay in the background and find out as much as you could.  
“May I ask what you are majoring in?” Joker sounded so polite, something you didn't think he could do.  
“(Y/M)” Why should you keep secrets, not like you had anything to hide or worked for the government. Joker just grinned again and your attention shifted back to the beef rolls.  
  
Both of you ate in silence. It wasn't because you had nothing to talk about, there were so many questions that ran through your head, unsure if you should ask them. It was because you were too fascinated to get any words out. The Joker sat across from you and ate what you had cooked like it was the most normal thing in the world. His hair covered most of his face and while he ate some hairs landed in his mouth and he tried to get them out. Not with his fingers like any normal human would, but like a dog tried to get things out of his mouth that weren't suppose to be there. It really looked... almost pathetic.  
“Here, let me” You stood up, took a hairband out of one of the cabinets and went over to Joker who looked at you like you were insane. “Calm down, I'll just tie your hair back” And that's exactly what you did. You tied Joker hair back into a small man bun and sat down again. Now Joker could not just eat normally, but you could also take a much better look at Jokers face. His Make-Up was fresh, his hair still dripped slightly and you finally could take a good look at the scars. God, the scars. You had always wished to at some day find out how these scars came to be. So many theories on what may have happened lurked in your head, so many unanswered questions, so much you wanted to know. You wanted to touch them, wanted to see them without the Make-Up covering them, you wanted to feel them, sliding your tongue over them while exploring Jokers mouth, wanted to-  
You wanted to do what now? Did you just think about kissing Joker? About making out with him?  
Shacking your head you looked down at your plate again. You hadn't eaten anything yet, you weren't even hungry, but you knew you should probably eat anyway. So, that's what you did. Just tried to focus on eating.  
Of course it didn't work out as you wanted it to. After you finished eating and put the plates into the dishwasher, Joker had already sat down on the couch and you thought about joining him, maybe turning on the TV, watching some movies.  
No, you couldn't do that. Joker was an insane killer, not an old friend from high school. You could not just take him in, act like he didn't kill dozens of people. He was not a small child, he was not your friend, he was a criminal! He-  
He was still human. Of course he was

insane, a psychopath, he murdered people, but he was also human. Something had to have happened to make him like this, the scars happened to make him like this. And maybe, just maybe, someone could help him to get better.  
“Wanna watch the news? See if they're already talking about your shenanigans?” You smiled slightly as Joker nodded and looked around for the remote. With slow steps towards the couch, you sat down next to him while he turned on the TV and put on the news channel. Pulling up your legs you leaned onto the back of the couch and calmed down a bit. He wouldn't kill or hurt you. You didn't know why, but you were certain about that. You were safe, at least for now.  
It didn't take long for Joker to fall asleep at all. You weren't surprised since he lost so much blood that a vampire could probably feed on it for the next 2 nights. Slightly smiling you stood up and took a blanket out of the small drawers to put it over Joker. It looked so surreal. Joker sleeping on your couch, so peaceful and vulnerable, with your clothes on and a man-bun. But something distorted this image, made it seem even more wrong than it already was. Not the scars, definitely not the scars. It was the make-up. It made him look less human. The scars made him human, showed everyone that he could be hurt, that he could take damage but the make-up hid this. How beautiful he must be without it, what he would be like without it. The make-up hid the real man from you. But afterall you wanted to get to know him, wanted to help him, wanted to kiss him.  
You had to stop thinking about this. You can't. It won't be possible for you to get to know him. He was insane, a madman, he killed people for fun. He wasn't human. Of course you didn't care, you never cared.  
You definitley needed to focus on something else. In the same moment you heard the peep of the washing machine, meaning the first load of Jokers suit was finished. While walking towards the washing machine in the bathroom, you looked on your phone to see what time it was. It was almost 12 PM. Wow, time went by really fast. You didn't have any classes tomorrow luckily. When you looked through the clothes when pulling them out of the washing machine, you were surprised how good you got the stains out. Now only Jokers jacket had to be washed and he would have got clean clothes again. That also meant that you had to take out everything Joker had in his pockets. You didn't expect it to be much, but 20 knifes in the sink later, you realized that you had been wrong. You even pulled out a Batarang, this was probably what had hit him when he stormed into your apartment. Joker apparently liked to keep sharp things in his pockets. After the jacket pockets were finally empty, you stuffed it into the washing machine and turned it on since it filled it almost completely. Now you had some time for youself and to be honest, you just wanted to sleep. This day was fucked up and you wanted it to end. So, turning off the lights everywhere and making sure your front door was locked, more for Marks sake than yours. Slowly walking into your bedroom, you took off all your clothes except a shirt and boxer and plopped onto your bed. Almost immediately this comforting darkness wraped around you and you driftet off into a light sleep.  
  
When you woke up by someone opening your bedroom door you wanted to punch them in the face no matter who it was. Turning on the light and starring at the person standin in the doorframe, you froze. Joker. Of course it was him, but he looked... Did he cry? His make-up seemed smeared, the black circles spreading out farther than you remembered, but Joker didn't cry. He was the Joker, not some teenage girl. Even though the way he stood there, arms wrapped around his torso, looking more uncomfortable than ever, it seemed like he had cried. That couldn't be, or could it?  
“I may have had a bad dream and need a new place to sleep”, Joker whispered. His voice sounded like he was wounded, uncertain if you had realized what had happened. You kept starring at him.  
“I- I'm not letting you sleep in my bed, but there is a matress in the storage room, you can go get that one and put it next to the bed if you want to” Joker looked reliefed that you didn't ask further questions and he almost happily laid down next to your bed after he went and got he matress. It still seemed weird, but he calmed down, at least you thought so. There was a long silence and you hoped to finally fall asleep again, but that didn't happen.  
“I don't think you ever told me your name” Right. This entire time you had the feeling as if you forgot something, this was it. You never told Joker your name.  
“(Y/N)” You heard the man next to you chuckle.  
“I like that name” Now you had to smile too. The Joker liked your name. He knew who you were. Mabye you were the one who acted like a teenage girl.  
“Thanks, I choose it myself” Jokers chuckle stopped when he heard that and you could almost see his confused expression in front of you. You guessed it was time for a story. “Okay, funny story. Actually, it's not that funny, but you'll probably think it's funny. So, about... two months ago I woke up in this apartment with no memory of whatsoever. I couldn't remember a thing. When I looked around the apartment I found this letter which explained to me where I was, what year it was, what I had to know. For example that this apartment was bought, so no rent, that I had a spot in college and that there was a bank account waiting for me under a certain name but I could always change the name, stuff like that, yeah? I was actually about to kill myself like... three days into this because I couldn't stand it. Not knowing who I am, what my past is like, what kind of person I was. It was and still is awful, but now I'm trying to find out who I actually am” Joker listened through all of it. You were a little amazed at how open you talked about this, but it felt good, not having to stay in the background and shove down your feelings. “So, yeah, I chose that name myself” With that you finished your little bedtime story up and wanted to turn around and try to get some more sleep, but Joker wasn't done with you yet.  
“Why?” He sounded so confused and if you hadn't known it any better, you would have mistaken it as conceren or compassion. When you didn't anwser right away he clarified his question. “Why didn't you kill yourself?” It cought you a little off guard and you weren't sure if you should tell him the truth or make up a lie, but you quickly decided that lying would probably get you nowhere.  
“Because... they broadcastet the first video you took and sent to the channel. The one with this Batman impersonator. You started your chaos plan and I was immediately fascinated by you. Someone could say that you safed me from killing myself, so, thanks I guess” Joker didn't anwser right away, but that didn't worry you, he probably needed time and some sleep.  
“Do you wanna know how I got these scars?” His voice was low, it seemed distant, as if his thoughts were on another planet. Your heart skipped a beat when you heard that question. You wanted to scream yes at him, you wanted to know how he got the scars, you wanted- No, you needed to know what made him like this, but you tried your best to act cool and stay calm. “I'm an orphan and the other boys at the home I stayed at when I was little didn't like me that much. One halloween they thought it would be funny to take all my candy, but I didn't want that. I fought with them, at least I tried. They quickley pinned me to the floor, told me to calm down, that it was only a joke, that I was ruining their fun, that I had to smile more. One of them took a knife out of his pocket. I was so scared when he put the blate in my mouth and cut open my cheeks while he and the other boys were laughing” Silence. You couldn't say anything. You were shocked. Not because of his story, but because he lied. You didn't know why or how you knew it, but he told you a fake story. It wasn't a feeling of 'I think', it was a feeling of 'I know'.  
“You're lying” God, a few minutes ago you wished for silence and now it was killing you. You needed Joker to say something, anything. A simple 'Let's sleep' would have been enough. But he didn't say anything. Suddenly, he laughed. Loud and carefree, similar to when you came home and he was petting Mark. It scared you a little because you knew that he could just get up and strangle you or something like that if you said or did anything he didn't like. But instead, he just kept on laughing.  
“Man, you're good. Really good. Well, then I guess I have no choice but to tell you the truth” Your heart stopped for a second. Were you really going to hear from Joker where his scars came from? Or would he be lying to you again? You couldn't say anything, you couldn't think straight, your body gave up and you just laid there, stiff, but listening. When Joker started to talk again, every hair on your body stood up. You didn't think he would actually tell you the truth, but when you heard the words come out of his mouth, quiet, uncertain, trembling, broken, you knew he was serious about this. “I was a soldier, actually I was one of the best. But one day they blew up our truck behind enemy lines. It killed almost all of us, I was the only one they took with them. They tortured me for days, weeks, I don't know how long really, but I will always remember this intense fear when one of the guys walked up to me with a sharp part of scrap metal and sticked it into my mouth. After some time they just threw me out onto the street in an unknown city, in an unknown part of the world. It took me a long time to come back to Gotham and when I was here again, no one recognized me. No one seemed to know about the truckload of soldiers that blew up and all of them were killed, no one seemed to care. I was devistated. I was

being left alone by the city I had fought to protect for. In that time I saw the real side of the world. You know, madness is a lot like gravity. All it takes is a little push and those horrified stares people gave me at the mere sight of those disgusting scars was the push I needed. And so the Joker was born. He swore revenge on the city, wanting to show everyone how easy it is to ruin their lives like they had mine. But then there was the Batman. Oh Batman..” Joker chuckled slightly, but you only chocked up a quiet huff. The way Joker talked showed you he was indeed telling the truth, you just couldn't believe it. You knew what made Joker like he is today. You finally knew. It was a dream come true. But suddenly a thought jumped into your mind. He was a soldier, fighting in war, seeing all of his friends getting killed and being tortured.  
“You had a flashback”, you whispered, not looking at Joker but rather staring at the ceiling, “You had a flashback, that was the reason why you wanted to sleep here, that was the nightmare you had”  
Joker laughed again. “You're cute when you put the pieces together” You were amazed how openly Joker seemed to talk about this, expecting him to completely shut off and go to sleep the moment you told him he lied. Maybe he trusted you.  
No, no he didn't. He didn't trust anyone.  
“You should get some more sleep” Now you could finally move again and turned onto your side, your back facing Joker. You didn't want to look at him since your face was already heated enough.  
“I wanted to sleep half an hour ago” He used that small child voice again. It drove you mad, because you liked it. You really liked it. You liked Joker. No, it was an obsession. You were obsessed with him. This will end dangerous. It always ends dangerous.  
But now everything would be okay for a small while. Joker had apparently also turned around and went to sleep, so you tried the same. Since your body was drained of any energy, it didn't take long for that sweet darkness do wrap you up again and completely calmed you. It felt good.  
  
Pulled out of your sleep in cold sweat, you looked around. It was silent. The matress next to your bed was empty, the blanket was missing and the bedroom door was a crack wide open. You had a nightmare, it was horrible, yet you couldn't recall what it was about. The same fear that woke you overtaking again, you quickly stood up and walked out of the room. You had to occupie yourself, you couldn't allow fear to overtake you.  
“Joker?”, you called out into the apartment. No answer, no steps from anywhere, nothing. “Joker?”, you said again, this time louder. And yet again no answer. Walking trough the living room you looked everywhere. He was not there. Suddenly you realized something. Mark was also nowhere to be found, but the door of the bathroom was slightly open. You slowly walked towards it, not knowing what you expected, but when you fully opened the door and saw Joker sleeping in the tub with Mark snuggeled up to him, you smiled. They looked cute together. And maybe Joker needed a little helper to sleep better, after all he seemed to be extremely enthusiastic about Mark. This could be good for Joker, it meant you also had some time to yourself with what you could do whatever you wanted. If you thought about it that way, you would have liked to take a bath, but you couldn't do that now. How about breakfest? Sounded good enough. Maybe you could even go for a run, after all Joker would probably not wake up for the next hours. At the same time you just wanted to lay down on the couch and watch some shows or read a book. You came to a conclusion pretty fast. You're gonna go for a run and while on the run you're gonna get something for breakfest and then eat while reading. You were amazed at yourself. Normally you would spent your entire day eating fast food in the library and trying to find out who you are. But now you had a healthy plan. Fuck, what's happening to you? If you had to be honest with yourself, you were slightly proud. But know you actually had to do it.  
You got changed into sports clothing faster than you thought. It felt good finally going for a run again. You needed this for a long time.  
And when you went outside and the fresh morning breeze filled with the smell of fresh air and also a little motor oil hit your face, you felt good for the first time since... forever.  
So you started running. God, you're feet hitting the asphalt, greating people, the smell of the city and sight of everything was wonderful. You forgot how beautiful Gotham City was under all the crime and hatred. It was almost perfect, but there was something missing. A person running next to you was missing. The longer you thought about this, the more this person formed a face. You closed your eyes and tried to focus on this image, it was a man, at least you thought so. Dark hair maybe? He was tall, muscled, he seemed handsome. It wasn't Joker. The man took your hand, smiled at you and for a quick moment, you saw their face.  
A bump ripped you out of your thoughts. You opened your eyes and saw that you ran into someone. Quickly apologizing, you continued your morning run and tried to shove that weird thought you had to the side. It felt like a memory. Like something you actually lived through. Weird.  
While at the grocery store, the newspaper caught your eye. That person on the front page, it was him. The guy from your memory like dream. You took the paper with you and decided to take a closer look at that guy when you come back home.  
This was actually earlier than you would have guessed. When you woke up it was about 6 AM, now it was about 7:30 AM. You felt refreshed, new, good. Maybe this should become a habit.  
You put the groceries you bought away and then sat down on your couch with the newspaper. You looked at the man on the front page again. Bruce Wayne was apparently his name. Of course you heard of him before. Rich orphan boy Bruce Wayne. You just didn't care enough about him to realize immediately it was him. But why should you have a memory like dream about him running next to you through Gotham? He was in a completely different league than you and probably wouldn't even look at you when he sees you on the street. So what was that dream about? You didn't want to call it a memory, it didn't feel like one, it felt more like a wish, a simple dream you had. It was just weird.  
“Good morning”, you heard someone say behind you and you jumped a little. Joker caught you off guard, but when you looked around and saw Jokers smeared make-up and him wrapped up in a blanket, you felt your face heating again. Joker just laughed and his attention shifted to the newspaper in your hand. “Our Brucie-boy on the front page? What did he do this time” Joker seemed to like this too and you had to be honest, you actually didn't care about the article, so just handing over the paper wasn't much of a problem.  
“Here, read if you want to” You stood up and walked over into the kitchen, making Marks breakfest and starting on making yours and Jokers. You felt normal for the first time in months even though what happened here wasn't at all normal, not even a little bit. But still, you could get used to something like this. To a slightly normal life.  
“I didn't allow you to leave! Maybe I wanted to read this with you!”, Joker called after you snickering and you had to smile too. You still felt safe, you didn't know why, but it was probably due to the fact that Joker could have just stabbed you in your sleep or worse. You knew it wasn't alright to feel this way about the Joker, but while on your run you thought about it a little more. You were right, you shouldn't feel safe or think about wanting to kiss Joker, on the other hand though, why bother? What on earth did you have to lose? You're life? You didn't have one. Mark? Joker seemed to love Mark more than anyone could. So, there was nothing Joker could take from you. Maybe you should act on those feelings. No, you were far to shy for that.  
Breakfast was finished fast and the two of you ate in silence again. You liked it, it gave you time to take in a little more detail about Joker, about his body. Small scars seemed to hold his skin together, melting into one another and it was almost impossible to tell which ones where self-inflicted and which were not.  
Even though you had suicidal thoughts, almost acted on these ones and most of the time just feel down and like you have literally no reason to live, you never considered self-harm to be an option.  
“Did you cut?”, you suddenly heard yourself ask Joker. You didn't want to say that, it just blurted out. Joker stopped chewing the piece of bread in his mouth and swalloed it, starring into your eyes with a deathly glare. Maybe you shouldn't have said this, now he'll probably take your eyes out or slit your throat and letting you choke to death on your own blood. In the same moment you thought you saw a flicker of confusement in his eyes, didn't he understand the question? Didn't he know what you meant? “Did you hurt yourself?”, you clearified in a more stern voice, like a father would talk to his child which just broke a rule.  
Jokers eyes moved to the floor, almost starring holes into it. You wanted to move on, not talk about that topic anymore and have breakfast, it was a stupid idea to ask that, but Joker had other intentions.  
“Would you care?” He talked quiet, whispering, not wanting anyone to hear other than you.  
“Yes” You remembered something you read in a book once, sometimes talking less is more. So this is what you did, not talking much more than the necessary.  
“Why?” Jokers voice was raspy again, broken, he seemed to use this tone of voice when talking about things that apparently still stung in his heart.  
'Because I love you', you thought. You couldn't say that, you couldn't even believe you had thought that. You didn't love Joker!

That wasn't possible! He was an insane psychopath. Still, he was human after all, you only needed to get through to this human side of him. Under all that madness, war paint and theatrics was a troubled man who needed help badly. You could help.  
“Because I care” It was true. You cared. You cared far to much. Joker again said nothing, but you didn't rush him. He needed time and you would give him time.  
“It's stopping them, you know? The nightmares, the pictures, the noises, the voice screaming in my head, it makes them disapear. It's like the knife finally shuts them up. Finally some silence. But they'll come back. And when they do, I shut them up again and again and again and again. It formed into a habbit”  
“Not a healthy one” You just had to interupt Joker, he didn't looked to happy about it, but he also didn't seem to bothered by it.  
“It helps. It's keeping this tiny little fragment of sanity in it's cage and keeps it from running into the arms of the bear named madness. It's keeping madness from devouring sanity. It's keeping madness from killing it's host” You listened closely, because what you heard was really interessting. What you got was a look into Jokers mind, maybe not a really close one, but you got an idea of how things could function in there.  
“And what if say, a huntsman came and tricked madness into a bear trap? Then sanity could be free as long as it didn't go near madness, right?” Joker raised his index finger like a teacher would when a student gave an answer.  
“Wrong. Sanity would still run into madness arms, after all everything it wants it to feel loved.” Love. Such a strong word for something so simple.  
“Someone could keep an eye on sanity and give it that love it so indiscribably needs” You had an idea. Perhaps you would feel better about this situation if you made it seem as if it was Jokers idea that you could help him. Perhaps.  
“No one would be willing to” Jokers gaze became unfocused, drifting up and down your kitchen cabinets, then out the window, as if he wasn't listening anymore.  
“I would be willing to” Now he stared at you again and you would have sworn that you saw him turning red under that make-up. What did you just say? Did you tell Joker you want him to move in with you? That you could take care of him? No, no you didn't. It was impossible. “C'mon, the food's getting cold” You took a spoon full of the soup you made for Joker and you and Joker took another bite from his toast. You two needed to clarify the situation between you, but, not now, perchance not even today. At some point though. Maybe tomorrow. Now you only had to focus on eating and doing the dishes. You could go have a quick shower and spent some more time with Joker, replace his bandages. Through the thin yellow shirt you could see a dark stain on his stomach, so the bandage has bled through. You definitley needed to change it. An idea suddenly hit you. While replacing Jokers bandages, you could put on a movie you enjoy, Joker might like it too. It could be a topic to talk about and distract from this situation. Sounded about right, you could do that. Happy with your plan, you quickly finished your breakfast and started doing the dishes. At least you wanted to, but Joker stood up and walked over to you with an expression you couldn't quite figure out.  
“Can I do the dishes?”, he asked in a normal tone. It hit you off guard completely unexpected.  
“Ehm, sure” You stepped to the side and dried your hands while watching Joker do something so normal, yet so insane looking like doing the dishes. He probably needed something to occupie himself with and not have his thoughts drift again. It was good, because this meant you could get all of the first-aid stuff and pick out a movie to watch. Picking out a movie was easy, V for Vendetta. To you it was an instant pick, because you just knew Joker would like it. Now you just needed to get the first-aid kid. Standing in the kitchen, you stared at the cupboards.  
Oh no. Which cupboard did you put it into? This was embarrassing.  
“...Joker?” Joker met your question with a noise somewhere between a 'hm?' and a grunt. “..Do you remember in which cupboard I put the aid-kit?” You heard him chuckle and he pointed at the one on the far right. Yeah, the far right. Now, remember that. “Thanks”

 

The rest of the day went by relativley quiet and you didn't like it. You wanted to talk to Joker, there were still so many unanswered questions but you couldn't get yourself to ask him, to finally open your mouth and say something. The silence was crushing you, but you didn't do anything against it, you never did anything against something. You just always let the world go by without you. You were stupid to think you would find out what you want to know this way, it wouldn't work.

Still, you didn't expect things to go this out of hand. Joker and you sat on the couch and watched a movie when it suddenly knocked hart on the apartment door.

“GCPD, open the door please”, you heard a voice say through the thrice locked door. The police. Perfect. In a hushed voice you told Joker to take his suit which laid on the matress in your bedroom and get out as fast as possible. Joker looked at you and you would've sworn that for a small moment you saw something in his eyes, something like regret maybe? Distress? Love? No, no, it wasn't that. You couldn't figure it out since Joker already got up and walked into the bedroom in a fraction of a second. Shaking your head, you slowly went over to the door, unlocked all three locks and opened it. In front of you stood a man, he was a little smaller than you, had brown hair, glasses and a mustache. He wore a dark suit with matching tie and a lighter shirt. You knew him, it was the police commissioner, but you couldn't quite recall his name.

“Commissioner? What's wrong?” Seem normal, be normal. Don't let anyone know anything. You have to stay in the shadow. The voices screamed it your head, but you tried your best to act as if nothing was up. You crossed your arms and leaned into the doorframe, looking at the commissioner with a, you hoped, confused expression. The man looked right past you, eyeing your apartment carefully.

“We got an anonymous tip that the Joker is suppose to be in your apartment. At least he was last seen climing in here”, he explained while his eyes asked you another question. _Can I come in?_ You just nodded, stepped to the side and let the commissioner in. After he took some steps into your hallway, you locked the door again, not wanting anyone to interrupt this or have Mark open the door again.

“The Joker? Well, Sir, I don't know what your anonymous tipster claims to have seen, but there wasn't anyone in here except for me, my cat and a friend of mine who slept here for a night. You actually just missed him, there's still the matress in the bedroom if you want to see. Also, I mean, wouldn't I be dead by now if the Joker had really been in my apartment” You laughed a little to make the situation seem less problematic and embarrassing. Praying to god that the commissioner would go soon, you followed him through your entire apartment until the bedroom. He hadn't said a word and just stared at the matress on your bedroom floor.

“Who did you say slept here?”, he asked, still not looking at you.

“A friend of mine, he came by last night, didn't feel all to well after a nights out- Sir, listen. I-I don't see the necessity of this, afterall, if the Joker really had been in here I would either be dead or would have called the police as soon as he was out again, wouldn't I have?” You shifted your weight from one foot onto the other and starred at the man who now turned around to face you.

Gordon. That was his name.

“Son, I'm just following a lead. We're trying everything to get that bastard off the street again, so excuse me for acting on every little impulse. If you have anything on him, tell us” You nooded again and forced a smile which Gordon returned, just as forced as yours. “Now, have a good day” He started to walk towards the door again and you quickly followed him, unlocking the door and opening it.

“You too Sir, and good luck on the Joker case” Gordon thanked you while walking out of your apartment and as soon as he was out, you slammed the door shut, fumbling with the looks until you could finally be sure the door was closed.

That was close, it was far too close. Gordon knew you lied. You don't know why you thought that, but you just knew that Gordon looked right through your lies. Fuck, he knew Joker had been here, he just didn't have anything to proof it. From the beginning it was clear to you that keeping Joker in your apartment was way too dangerous, but you don't learn. How could you? You're forgetting everything in the span of a few seconds. Still, there was this lingering feeling. This thought, this wish deep inside of you. It was weak, but it was there.

It was the wish to see Joker again. You wanted him back in your apartment. You couldn't believe it. It almost cost you your freedom because you took this insane clown in and yet you want to see him again? To have him near you again? To touch him again? You were crazy, you were worse than him. How could you think like this? How could you love a madman like him?

Love.

Did you really love him? You didn't, did you? You thought about kissing him, but that didn't have to mean anything. No, you didn't love him. You were just fascinated by him, that was all. Yeah, fascination, not love. Obsession could feel like love, right? Right.

Oh god. What were you talking about? Of course you loved him. You fell hell over heals for the Joker. The fact that you apparently were gay didn't matter to you, who would care about that anyway? What mattered to you was that out of all of the eight million people in Gotham city, you had to fall in love with the one person who you could never be with.

Slowly coming back to your senses, not having moved from your position in front of the door for a full five minutes, you looked around. You were alone again now. Suddenly this wave of dread washed over you again, what if he would never come back and you could never see him again? The more you thought about it, why should he come back? There wasn't a single reason you could think off for him to come back.

You're head hurt. It hurt so incredibly much. The pressure on it made it almost explode. You should probably take a short nap. This was way to much for you, you could simply not handle it, so, sleep was your best option. You barely dragged yourself into the bedroom to collapse onto Jokers matress on the floor and wrapped youself up as good as possible in the small blanket Joker had used just last night.

It still smelled like him. It smelled like your showergel, but mixxed with Jokers scent like a wet street dog. You found it appealing, soothing, it made you smile and helped you to fall asleep faster. The darkness wraped around you and you fell a sleep with a small smile on your lips.

 

Five days. Joker didn't come back for five days. You didn't leave your apartment for five days, you didn't shower, didn't eat, you only stood up to feed Mark and to rarely drink something. Jokers scent vanished slowly and the mattress didn't feel as warm as before anymore. It felt empty, this awful emptiness you just couldn't stand. This past week was the worst of your life and you didn't know why. Wasn't it obvious enough Joker wouldn't come back? The police knew he had been here and you expected him to just come back like nothing had happened?

Mark walked into the room, strolling over onto the mattress to the bundle of depression that was you. He sat in front of your face and started to paw at your face. This was his way of telling you to finally get up and feed him. And so you did. As you put down the paper plate and watched Mark hungrily ate, you saw something barely in your field of sight. Something laid there between the toaster and the fridge. You slowly and unsure of what to expect took said object. It turned out to be Jokers tie. He probably forgot about it after throwing it away on your first meeting. You helf it in your hands gingerly, as if it was about to decay into a pile of dust if you weren't careful. It was the last piece of Joker you had. A last memory of him. Carefully sniffing it, you sighed, it still smelled like him. Like sweat, blood, gasoline, it smelled just like Joker. Why did this make you so mournful? It was just his tie, after all you had washed all his clothes and weren't sad that his smell dissapeared from them, you would even say you were satisfied with it, so why now?

Because you loved him. It hit you like a tsunami. You really did love the Joker.

Out of some bizzare reason, this gave you new energy, it made you feel better. So much better. It filled you with a sense of hope. Of calmness, like everything would be alright. It felt so incredibly strange, yet it was the best feeling you ever had. You smiled. For the first time in five days, you smiled again. Your body finally stopped feeling tired, deprived of any will to move, to live. For the first time in five days, you felt good. You felt so good that you wantet to put on some music. While connecting your phone via bluetooth with some speakers you had and starting a playlist on shuffle, you put the tie carefully onto the counter.

'Young Love' by Eli Lieb started playing.

'The perfect song', you thought.

“I should have a shower, shouldn't I Mark? Yeah, I should” Mark didn't listen since he was to occupied with jumping on the counter and trying to open the cabinet doors again. Laughing, you went into your bedroom, picked out some clothes and jumped under the shower. You let the song play on the repeat since it seemed to fit your current situation very well.

 

__ Shut the door and turn the lights off   
And put up your dukes tonight   


As you looked in the mirror, you were almost satisfied with your looks. Your outfit consistet of a pair of black dress pants, the only shoes you had which were brown army boots you bought at a sale awhile ago and a green button up with the sleeves rolled up.

 

__ 'Cause this love is getting dangerous  
And I need some more tonight  
Your touch is contagious  
You know what I need tonight 

 

“A little detail is missing, don't you think so too?” Mark meowed, which just made you smile wider. Carefully taking Jokers tie and putting it around your own neck, you pulled it tight. It fit perfectly.

 

__ I can't run and I can't hide  
I'll be wasted by the light  
I'm undone but I'm alive  
Don't ever wanna see the morning light 

 

You should probably get going, after all it was already 4 pm and Gotham in the dark wasn't exactly a haven. Sadly, this also meant you had to turn of the music. But that was alright. As soon as you're home it would be put on again. Quickly saying goodbye to Mark and giving him a tiny peck on his head, you walked out the door.

The moment you were outside and the cold evening wind hit your skin, you felt ecstatic. You loved Joker. You, a complete nobody, loved the Joker. And because of some dumb, weird, wonderful reason this made you feel so special. So different, yet so normal. Love was something almost everyone felt at some point, and to fall in love with a man was as normal as to fall in love with everyone else. Yet, you loved this man. This one man. The Joker. Someone everyone thought could only be hated. You didn't hate him. You loved him.

Love. Such a strong word for such a small thing.

 

You spent way more time shopping than you had intended to. Mark was probably hungry and lonely, clawing the door or the walls again even though he knows all to well not to. Rushing up the stairs, since the elevator was too slow, you almost collabsed against your own door. You definitely didn't have the cardio to run up fourteen flights of stairs with three fully packed shopping bags. But you did it nonetheless and you were proud of yourself. Opening the door and expecting Mark to run up to you, it surprised you that the apartment seemed so quiet. And weirdly cold. You took a few steps into the hallway and froze when you saw a pile of glass chipings and a broken window in your living room. Running into the living room while letting go of the bags, your heart pumped so hart you thought it would jump right out of your chest. It skipped a beat when you saw who broke into your apartment.

“Joker”, you whispered. You had held your breath since you opened the door and sighed havily. Joker sat on your couch and smiled at you. It reminded you of when you had bought the make-up for him. “Did-” Your gaze was fixxed on the broken window. “Did you break my window?”

“Maybe”, Joker said quiet, he used this small kids voice again. Like a little boy who threw in a windowpane. Slowly putting one foot in front of the other, you walked over to the glass door leading out onto the balcony and opened it. Why should you lock the balcony door in the fourteenth floor.

Your stare travelled over to Joker, who returned it. You could see the apology in his eyes, you could see that he was sorry. But you couldn't be angry with him, after all he came back.

“I- I'll just... You planning on coming by more often now?” You took off Jokers tie and even though it hurt to give it back, you handed it to Joker before flopping down next to him onto the couch.

“Probably. I mean, he is here”, Joker gestured wagely towards Mark who slept in his cat tree, “And your food is just outragously perfect” You smiled. He liked your food. He seemed to like it a lot. Joker muttered something which you couldn't make out.

“Sorry?” But Joker just shook his head.

“It's nothing. Yes, I'm intending on coming by more often” Again this weirdly polite tone. You didn't like it, it didn't fit Joker.

“Well, then I'm gonna get you your own key” Joker stayed calm, but his eyes lit up. It was cute. You knew he was really happy that you took him in like this. You were happy too, it meant you could spent more time with him. And it also meant you didn't have to get a new window everytime Joker decided to visit you. “Now, wanna eat something and finish that movie?” You smiled. It was a real, warm and inviting smile. Apparently Joker got that, so he nodded, stood up and started to take off some of his clothes. “You can pick out some of my clothes, they're probably more comfortable than the suit” Joker looked at you with a slight smile. It almost wasn't there, it was sincere, goofy, dumb, hopefull maybe even, but in an instant it was replaced with Jokers typical insane grin. He promptly vanished into your bedroom and you took your place in the kitchen, cooking something nice for Joker.

 

When you woke up, it felt like being pulled out of a raging river. Opening your eyes fast, not knowing where you are, you looked around. Joker sat next to the couch you laid on. He seemed to be... concerend?

“Joker?”, you asked quietly. Your voice was a harsh whisper, after having just woken up, you couldn't talk quite well. Jokers attention was immediately yours and you noticed that Jokers hand was entwined with yours.

“You're awake” He sounded so relieved. Squeezing your hand tightly, he smiled at you. You were surprised how strong Joker actually is, after all he definitely doesn't look like it.

“Yeah, I-... Where am I?” Confusion filled your voice, not exactly being back to your senses. Your field of vision was fuzzy, you were unoriented and no thoughts you had were any good.

“You're in the apartment. Can't you remember what happened?” Now you could really hear the distress in Jokers voice. You just shook your head. Of course you could still remember everything that had happened up to the point where you wanted to cook something for dinner.

“I- No, I can't. I wanted to cook and then woke up here” It was weird and as you tried to sit up, a headache hit you like never before. You grunted, holding your head and squeezing your eyes shut. It hurted so unbelievebly bad. But you could do this, it was alright, take some deep breaths and calm down.

“You... I also don't know what happened, but you passed out and were unconscious for about three hours” Jokers leg started twitching. At first it didn't seem like anything important, but when you noticed that it seemed to get worse, it worried you. What was wrong with him? Except for his weird tounge thing, Joker had enough control over his body to not let things like this happen. He didn't seem like the kind of person who fidgets a lot. There was also something wrong with his face, maybe he sweated more? His make-up seemed even more horribly smeared than usully. The scars were slightly visible, a touch of pinkish skin showing through the clowns face paint.

“Are you okay? You seem... off”, you asked, not meaning to sound so pushy as you probably did. But Joker just laughed it off like he always did when he didn't want to anwser a question. You knew because every time you asked him how he was feeling or what he was thinking about something, you would get this as an anwser.

“It's nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothingnothingnothing” He seemed to trail off, his head falling a little to the side and his hands clasped in his lap. You knew better than to trust him with that. He was lying to you and even though you knew, you didn't want to force Joker to say what was wrong. After all, sooner or later he will maybe tell you. Now you were only tired. It seemed to be the middle of the night and this burning headache killed you.

“I'm gonna believe you for now, but only because I'm tired. I should probably sleep some more, I'm having a headache right now, you wouldn't believe how much it hurts. Do what your heart desires as long as I'm not waking up to any dead cops in my tub, got it?” Joker cracked one of his iconic smiles and nodded. He acted so much like a small child, it was shocking to you.

But you could admire Joker from a distant more later. For now you'll just sleep off whatever had caused you to pass out and not remember a thing. You laid down again and pulled up the blanket Joker had apparently put over you while you were unconscious.

“Good night then, try to get some sleep too” You managed to say until the sleep overtook you. However, there was one last thought that raced through your mind.

What was the deal with those weird punctures on Jokers arms?

 

“SHIT!” A shattering noise, Joker yelling and him telling Mark to get out of the kitchen was enough to wake you up. Since the kitchen was open, all you had to do was to sit up to see what was going on. Joker squated on your kitchen floor, seeming to pick up broken pieces from something maybe made out of glass? You couldn't tell exactly what it was, but Joker worried you.

“Joker? What happened?” As you slowly stood up, Jokers muscles tensed, his head hiding between his shoulders and not facing you. Taking cautious steps towards him, you made out that whatever had broken was probably a syringe. Why would Joker have a syringe with him? You had always assumed that he would just carry knives. “What's wrong?” You knelt down beside Joker, who still refused to look at you. Something was very wrong and Joker tried to hide it as best as he could.

“You shouldn't be here”, he muttered.

“It's my apartment. I'm not going anywhere” You laid a hand on Jokers shoulder and told him calmly to sit down on the couch so you can clean up this mess. He didn't say anything, nor did he nod, he just got up and left the kitchen. As promised, you cleaned everything up, poured a glass of water for Joker and turned around only to see him not on the couch. The bathroom door was open and shortly after you heard the distinct sound of someone vomitting. Great. Whatever was wrong, it took an extreme toll on Jokers body. The sight that offered you as you stepped into the bathroom was almost too surreal to be true. Joker was hunched over the toilet, puking out what little food he had eaten the last days, sweat pouring down his face and staining his suit, plastering his already greasy hair against his forhead. He breathed heavily, seeming so drained of any energy that he could bearly hold himself up when he dropped next to the toilet and looked at you, his face emotionless but pure horror in his eyes. It broke your heart seeing him like this.

“Here” You held out the glass of water, waiting for Joker to gain enough energy to actually hold the glass without immediately dropping it. He chucked some of the water, washing out his mouth, trying to get rid of that disgusting taste, downing the rest of it in one go. As he set the glass aside, he fell completely against the wall and stared straight. His arms hugged his stomach tightly as he cramped on the floor, letting out a groan in pain.

“Leave” You heard him whisper slightly. Somehow this simply word left a foul taste in your mouth and an unbearable ache in your chest. “Please”

This added an extra twist of the knife in your heart and all you could do was turn on your heels and simply walk out. Closing the door behind you and staring blantly into your living room, you started to question everything that had just happened. These seemed to be typical signs of alcohol withdrawal, but at the same time it seemed off. The syringe and the aparrant stomach aches didn't fit into this.

Except of course..

It hit you like a brick to the head. The pricks on Jokers arms, the syringe filled with a liquid, sweating, vomiting, uneasiness, panic, everything pointed towards heroin. Joker has been shooting up and is now experiencing a heroin withdrawal. This lying bitch. You had to look more into this. Into symptoms, length, what you could do to make this easier for him, stuff like that.

 

About two hours later, you heard the bathroom door open, the floor boards creaking as Joker dragged himself over them, barely making it to the couch before collapsing next to you.

“The nausa stopped?”, you asked, fully aware that by now Joker should have put the pieces together and know that he can't keep this a secret anymore. “You don't have to vomit anymore?” Joker nodded ever so slightly. He finally looked at you again, seeming not afraid of your response to this, but rather afraid of the effects it has on his body. “You know that I'm not going to continue as if nothing had happened. I'm not letting you use my apartment as some sort of junkie safe space. I'm going to give you two options and you'll choose. Either you'll gather up the strenght and with my help fight through this because I know you can, or, and this hurts me just to think about, you're out of here. You'll go and never come back or I'm going to call the cops on you and faster than you can realize what just happened, a swat team will crash through the ceiling, taking you back to Arkham. So. You'll choose.” It hurt. It hurt you so bad but you couldn't let Joker see that. As quickly as you could you put up a wall in front of you, shielding your emotions from view. And it seemed to work since Joker looked at you quite shooked, that shook fading into dissapointment in himself. His gaze drifted down his body, taking in the sight of his once strong and healthy self with now was nothing more than a hollow shell made of bones and skin.

“I-... I can't. I don't know what it is that you see in me, but I am not whatever you hope me to be. I can't do this, not alone, not with your help, not with anyones help.” He was serious, no hint of sarcasm or joy in his voice, only raw emotions, real helplessness. He didn't know what to do and he was so certain that he wouldn't make it, that he didn't even want to try anymore.

“So you want to just give up on this?” It was clear as day that what you two had was special. It was trust build on a whole other level than you'll ever get to experience again. You wanted to encourage Joker to try, to let you help him, but he just shook his head.

“I can't” A knot tied your throat shut, not letting any sound out. Swalloing hard, you preapared yourself for what was about to happen.

“Okay. Then leave.” Joker stared at you again, those dark puppy dog eyes that you loved so much broken and sad, afraid of rejection, but also understanding. It hurt you, broke you, made you unable to feel anything but anger towards Joker for not trying, towards yourself for not being brave enough to help him through such a hard time. “Now!” You were loud, so loud that it hurt in your own ears. Joker flinched, never breaking eyecontact, nonetheless he started to move, slowly creeping towards the balcony, eyes locked to the floor. Your eyes met one last time before Joker opened the balcony door and swiftly swung over the side, climing down what yo believe to be gutters running down the side of the building.

The aparmtent was empty again, the cold of the night crawling in, cooling the living room down, but you made no move to close the door. Mark was asleep anyway and what you needed now was a pack of cigarettes and cold air clearing your head.

As you stepped out onto the balcony, lit cigarette in your mouth, you realized that this wasn't temporary. It was a set thing. He wouldn't come back, ever. A warm tear snuck down you cheek, then another and another until sobs started escaping your throat. It didn't take long for the tears and sobs to overtake and you slipped to the ground, pressing your back against the large windowpanes, shaking with silent crying.

You ruined this. You ruined everything. No matter what you tried, it made everything worse. Even when you want to help, you couldn't do anything right. It was probably best Joker left. You didn't deserve him, you deserved no one. You were a pain in the backside. You should have just ended it when you had the chance, but not even that you could do right. How about you end it now? It didn't matter anyway. No one would miss you, just jump off the roof of this darn building. Do it, now. Just do it. You had nothing to lose, no one had anything to lose by you killing yourself. No one would care. It was the middle of the night anyway, so no one would find you until tomorrow morning.

It felt like you were being moved by an outside force, but before you could do anything against it, you found yourself on the top of the apartment building. The wind was lashing at you, hard and cold, but it didn't matter. You didn't feel it as you walked up to the very edge, staring down at the street. Everything looked so small, so beautiful. You could join that beauty with a simple step forward.

“If I were you I would rething it.” A dark voice pulled you out of your foggy mindset. You turned around and the person that stood behind you shocked you slightly.

The Batman.

You turned your head back towards the edge, slowing down in your movement when you heard the shuffle of his cape.

“Isn't there somethin more important for you to do than this?” Looking around, you were surprised to not see any Batsignals in the sky even though they were there almost every evening.

“You should give him a chance” You knew instantly Bats was talking about Joker. So he knew about you two. Why didn't he tell anyone or detained Joker? “You can change him”

“How do you want to know that!?”, you snapped. Almost loosing your footing, you turned around and looked Batman straight in the eyes. He was so close, way to close.

“Because you could have almost changed me” Bats was talking softly and for a short moment, there was something in his eyes. Regret, maybe? Fear? Guilt? You didn't know what it was, but it was quickly gone again as Bats held one hand out for you to take. “He deserves you, he needs you to get better. Trust me”

Something clicked inside of you. As you peeked behind you and saw how high up you really were, your breathing increased. Dread written all over your face, you shakingly grapped Bats hand as he led you down the top. For a quick moment you looked into his eyes. They were warm, encouraging, inviting. Something you wouldn't have expected from Batman. As balanced as you could, you walked towards the door leading onto the staircase and down to your floor. Back in your apartment, the emptiness was again crushing you, but Bats was right, you should give Joker a chance. He is just a broken man who can still be repaired. Maybe you can do that.

So, Joker will need his own key. That could be a job for tomorrow. Now it was time to get some sleep again. You're body was again drained of any previous energy it had. Not that it had a lot, but now you were running on the bare minimum. Sleep sounded good.

 

17 hours later, you woke up again. You were amazed that your 'little nap' got you through more than half the day, but that key maker guy should still be open, meaning if you got up, you could still go and make Jokers key. It didn't take long since you felt much more energetic than before. Such a depression nap can be rather useful sometimes. You were a little amazed at yourself when you came home before seven pm. You quickly fed Mark and threw the new key in a bowl in the hallway. To your suprise, this turned out to be the first night in quite sometime where you went to bed in time and actually could sleep through the night, even though you had already slept through the entire day. You didn't mind, you had classes the next day anyway.

 

 

The next day was... chaotic you could say. You overslept your first lesson, cursing yourself while running onto the college grounds only to realize that the first lesson was already over. Shit. Your next lesson wasn't until 10:30 and right now it was about 9 am. So you had quite some time to kill. It wouldn't be a particularly good idea to head back home, so the library was your place to go. Yet, something kept you from going there. Not something, but rather someone. Your gaze was fixed on a young man a few meters next to you who was arguing with a professor. What fascinated you the most was not just the fact that this man was wearing a skirt and was killing it, but all those weird light spots on his skin, looking like some sort of rash spreading. The professor turned around and left, but what he didn't see was this guy flipping him off before turning towards you. Apparently he hadn't realized you were there, so he was quite surprised, but quickly offered you a smile.  
“Why hello there. And who may you be?”, he grinned, sounding far to happy this early on in the day.

“(Y/N). And does this dashing knight in a skirt have a name?” He chuckled slightly which made you smile. It always made you smile when someone laughed over your jokes, especially when that person was an insane clown who you fell in love with.

“I'm Daniel. Are you new here? I don't think I ever saw you on campus.” Daniel took off his sunglasses and your jaw dropped. His one eye was brown and the other was a vibrant green. So he had this weird skin thing and two different eye colors. Wow, he must've been a genetic nightmare. Daniels grin slowly faded at your reaction and he laughed akwardly. “The eyes, I know. I'm just gonna put these back on and-” As he was about to put the glasses on, you grabbed his wrist.

“No! I-” Quickly releasing him from your grip, you stepped back a bit. “Sorry. I like it, I think your eyes are cool” Daniel took the glasses off again and smiled.

“Well, let's do a proper introduction. Daniel Brüggman” He held a hand out which, like the rest of his body, was covered in these light spots.

“(Y/F/N)” Without thinking about it, you shook his hand and smiled.

“Not creeped out by the spots?”, Daniel asked, a small grin on his lips as if he was playing some sort of prank on you.

“Oh, I'm fucking creeped out by the spots, but I just thought that if it was some sort of contagious disease you would not shake my hand like nothing is up” Daniel chuckled and nodded, seemingly agreeing with you completely.

“I like you, you're a chill dude. When's your next class?” A quick look on your watch made you realize that it only had been 10 minutes since you arrived on the campus.

“10:30”

“Wanna go grab a coffee? I'll even pay” His invitation made you smile. You quickly agreed and followed Daniel over the campus.

 

You never thought you would take anyone in your apartment that isn't the insane clown who is ruining your life lately, but when Daniel stepped into the living room, he filled the empty, cold apartment that hurt so much to stand in, with a warm glow, a sense of compassion and kindness. It felt nice to not be alone again.

“And someone you don't know is paying for everything?” You nodded. “Cool, that's- Wow, this view!” Since the sun was going down, the sky was a beautiful canvas of reds, oranges, pinks and yellows with some darker purple around the edges. The view really was amazing. You never actually took the time to just sit on your balcony and admire it.

Smiling, you unhurriedly stepped into the kitchen, took two glasses out of the cabinets, put them on the counter and got an unopened bottle of Jack Daniels out of your fridge. In reality, you wanted to keep it for a special moment, but this seemed perfect.

Daniel didn't take long to follow you and promptly sat down next to a glass which you just filled. Hearing Daniel talk so care free about everything satisfied you in a weird, but pleasant way.

After some drinks and some more time going by, you ended on the topic of love. Love in Gotham City.

“Let's be clear here. I'm asexual, so I can't give you sex tips, but romance, that is something I can do” Daniel giggled, a slight blush already having creeped up across his face. “Except of course that this city is a shithole filled with assholes who don't even know how to love their own kids. I mean, everyone just seems to sooner or later go insane! We have accepted a big freak in a bat costume as the vigilante to safe us all. Honestly, fuck that. Fuck Batman, fuck the police, fuck Scarecrow or whatever he called himself, fuck the Joker. This city is filled to the brim with psychotic pussies who are just waiting to gain enough confidence to announce that there's a new lunatic that fled the circus and now wants to be the big boss. I don't care anymore. At some point this city will burn. Believe me”

“Well, someone doesn't like their cozy little hometown” You downed another glass and Daniel laughed.

“Show me a single Gothamite that didn't go insane, into prison or into therapy at least once and you will have found a liar my beauty” This made you too laugh. But shortly after, you're laugh was drowned by a dark cloud spreading in your head.

“You know, I met someone a few weeks ago who made me forget when I was with him. Like, the good version of forget. I felt so safe with him that I didn't feel the need to have a constant wall up in front of me, but, I know that we can never be normal. Not even in the slightest. That's okay though, because his crazyness is one of the reasons I love him so much, but... I don't think I could safe him and get him to finally live his life again, even though there are people who think that I am the one to save him, I just don't know what to do. He did so many horrible things that I'm just not certain anymore if he deserves to be safed or if I even deserve to safe him...” Your eyes filled with tears, one sneaking it's way down your cheek, but it didn't remain ther for long. Daniel reacted almost immediately and swiped it away softly with his thumb, laying his hand reassuringly on your cheek.

“I see it differently, I see it like this: 'If a killer made you smile when you frown, if he made you laugh when you cried, if he made you see light when you see dark, if he made you feel safe when you were afraid, is he a villain? Or is he a hero?'” He sweeped some hairs from your face, smiling warmly at you. “If you really love him, you will be able to safe him” You returned his smile, yours was not as inviting as his, but it was enough. He was right, if you loved Joker, you could help him, safe him maybe even.

“Thanks Daniel” You wanted to pour another round of drinks when something knocked on your windows. You turned around, slightly freaked out by what could be standing on your balcony and even more freaked out when you realized it was Joker. You two stared at each other for a few silent seconds, until you gave him a hand motion to come in. Joker continued to stare at you, staring at the glass door next and slowly pushing it open, but not entering right away. Joker stood there like a dog who was too afraid because he had ran into the glass door too many times. After some more silent moments, he stepped in, not looking at you but rather eyeing the floor.

“Well, guess I'm gonna go now, you and your boyfriend need to apparently sort things out. I'll see you tomorrow on campus buddy” Daniel stood up, downing his drink and stretching out his arms while you immediately turned to him again.

“Stay! Please, I-” He interuppted you with a small chuckle and a reassuring shake of his head.

“You two need to be alone for this, I would just stand in the way. Maybe at some point you can introduce each other, but not today. See you tomorrow” Daniel smiled and left, leaving a rather weird tingely sensation in your stomach behind. You looked at Joker, who hadn't moved from his spot on the middle of your living room. Standing up as well, it took you only a few steps to stand right in front of him and almost feel how nervous he was. He opened his mouth, wanting to say something, but in the same moment, you threw your arms around him, pulling his fragile, thin, broken body into a hug. It was something you wanted to do for quite some time now. You wanted to fell Joker close to you again and Joker wanted the same. He wrapped his arms around you tightly, holding you close as if you were to leave if he didn't cling on you.

You stayed like this for a long time, not exactly certain how long, but longand it felt so good.

“I thought I told you to leave”, you said, tears filling your eyes and threatening to fall.

“I'm sorry. I couldn't” Jokers voice sounded just as broken as you had felt, but it nontheless made you smile.

“I know, that's why I got something” Sadly, you had to break up the hug, but it would only be for a short time. You pulled the key out of your pocket and held it in front of Joker. “For you. Your own key. But I have some rules” Joker nodded and took a step back, which made you immediately feel cold and alone again. “First: No drugs in here. You're not gonna take anything when you're in my apartment, got it? No shooting up. Second: Talk to me. No more lies. No more secrets. If something is up, I want to know it. Third: Check up on me, please. At least come by once a week, okay?” Joker looked you deep in the eyes, as if he wasn't sure wether he was okay with it or not.

“Then I have a rule too” Now it was your turn to nod. “Be here when I come by. Don't waste your life in that stupid library trying to find out your stupid past.” You smiled. Somehow, the way Joker said this was almost cute.

“Okay” You held out the key for Joker to take, which he promptly did. In the short amount of time Joker looked at the key and then put it away, you could take a good look at Joker and realize that his suit was drenched in blood.

“You look terrible, what happened?” You were quite shocked that you hadn't seen that earlier.

“I may have gotten into a little fight with Bats that maybe escalated a bit” Joker grinned, of course he did, he had probably enjoyed Batman beating him.

“Sit down on the couch, I'll get the stuff and take a look at it” You didn't know why, but Joker made you smile with just how much he didn't care. Just how childish he could be. He did as you told him, sat down on the couch and started taking off some of his clothes while you went into the kitchen. You didn't rush anything, after all you still had to cook something, so you decided on what to make, but then you heard something. A crash and a scream, as if someone tripped and fell down, nothing important, but when the first scream was followed by muffled crying and more screams, you were quick to react. It again only took you a couple of steps until you fell to your knees next to Joker who crouched on the floor, head between his legs and hands tangled deeply into his green curls, threatening to rip them out. You grabbed his hands, trying to pull them away, but when Jokers crying frew more and more stressed out, his breathing got faster and he stiffened even more, you realized you couldn't do anything. Joker had a panic attack and touching him definitely didn't help. So what were you suppose to do? Leave him be until he calmed down himself? Try to snap him out of it? He didn't even seem to see you. It was as if he was in a whole different world. You didn't know what it was like to have flashbacks or panic attacks or anything like that. What you knew was that Joker was suffering immensly and that you wanted it to stop. But there apparently wasn't anything you could do. With that, as much as it hurt you, you stood up and went back into the kitchen. Maybe, hopefully, Joker just needed time and when it was over, you could talk about your methods of helping. Yes, you would do that. Now, try and focus on cooking, as hard as it may be.

 

It took you about an hour to finally get something done and by the time you turned off the oven, you heard steps coming towards you. You looked at Joker, who stood next to you, eyes towards the floor, arms crossed in front of his chest, his hair even more messy than before and his make-up, god, his make-up was so smudged through his crying that it didn't resemple a clown at all anymore.

“Sit down” And so Joker did, he still didn't look at you, but his eyes darted up when he heard the water flow and you wetting a towel. “We're getting rid of that stupid make-up now, no buts, got me?” You stepped towards Joker and, with the towel in hand, wanted to start cleaning Jokers face, but Joker grabbed your wrist. Not strongly holding it in place, simply just wrapping his boney fingers around it, desperate, helpless almost. This wouldn't stop you. You started wiping away the make-up, finally clearing Jokers face of it.

It took some time, but when you were finally done, you realized just how beautiful Joker really was. Long lashes, chocolate brown eyes, high cheekbones and flush lips. Even though his eyes were circled by a dark color, this only added to his puppydog eyes and even the scars made him more handsome. Caringly, soft and slow you brushed your thumb over said scars, taking in every single dent in them.

“They're beautiful” It was a hushed whisper, unsure, sad, but also happy to finally see your loves face without that horrific make-up. Joker looked at you, eye glimmering with what you thought to be tears. He laid a hand on the back of your head and gently pulled you towards him until your lips met. Jokers lips were soft, but also cracked, he tasted of cheap wine and ashes. The kiss was light and short, as if you try out if this was the right thing. And holy shit, it definitely was.

When Joker broke the kiss and your eyes met again, you couldn't contain a laughter. There was something so surreal about all of this that you just had to laugh. Joker smiled and soon broke into laughter as well, seeming to agree with you.

 

It took some time to bandage Joker up completely, finish the food and eat, but now you two sat on your couch, each a glass whiskey in hand, talking and laughing. Overall, this was one of the most calm evenings since forever. Mark laid on Jokers lab and Joker was more than happy to pet him while narrate some of the most freakish stories that have ever happened to him. You found out quite a lot about Joker that evening and it made you even more satisfied. Still smiling and taking a sip of the whiskey, you looked out to see a certain bat hang outside your window. You nodded to him, assuring him that you took his little speech to heart, and you did. Both Bats and Daniel were right, you can help Joker, safe him maybe even. You loved him, you always did, and this insane Clown loved you back.

At about 4 in the morning, the whiskey was empty and you and Joker decided to get some sleep. Both of you collapsed onto your bed and Joker cuddled up to you. Having this warmth next to you was a wonderful feeling. You wraped an arm around Joker and quickly got pulled into a tight sleep.

 

The moment you woke up, you knew something was unbelievebly wrong. You sat in a chair, tied to said furniture, in a dark room with nothing but a little light bulb over you. The headache that was murdering you right now was your least problem, but when you saw a thin man walking into your field of sight, you knew you were fucked. He stepped a few meters back and you could take a rather okayish look at him. He was tall, thin, wore a big top-hat and a long coat. That was all you could see in this shitty lit room.

“Hello”, his voice seemed so- happy? “You don't know who I am, but I know really well who you are. And let me tell you one thing darling. I think you've gone to far. Now listen to my voice and I will give you a choice. Leave everything behind, even what you deemed to be fine, or die my little firefly.” The man chuckled. What psychotic play was this? And why was he rhyming all the time.

“How about fuck off and let me fucking go!” You got angry, but aparently this loony wasn't up to the challenge.

“What a mouthy little slut you are, but don't worry, I'm not in a hurry. I'll take my time with you, and when you wake up, everything will be new. Now sleep, dear angel and I'll promise you, the moment you open your eyes, the world won't be blue.” You suddenly felt tired. So unbelievably tired that your eyes immediately fell shut. What was happening here? What was he going to do?

A last thought ran through your head before the darkness surrounded you.

What if, whatever this was, is the reason you couldn't remember anything?

 


End file.
